My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
