True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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