Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
