i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
