I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
