i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I think pants incapable of making pants work
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
