Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
