I can tuck mytits in my pants
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize