We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
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