Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
