just survived the first fart of the relationship.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
We just shotgunned beers for America
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
