Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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