Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
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I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
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It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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