So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
