I think my fart just growled at me.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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