I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
what day is it and did you see me today?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize