Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
