I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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