i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
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I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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