I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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