time to smoke my breakfast
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
