uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
not ubering you a puppy
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
