evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
This girl is more easily done than said...
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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