I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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