He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
