I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
