The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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