Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
