there's paper in my vomit.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
