I don't have enough holes for all these australians
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
