Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
