Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
