Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
