Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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