You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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