ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
