i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
