I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
