you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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