I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
