the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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