Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Nobody cheats on THIS.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
