He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
