Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
