She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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