Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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