I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
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Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
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"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Im part way to drunk.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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