im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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