Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize