Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
