I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
A+ Viking dick
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
