The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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