i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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