I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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