I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
