I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
